Paladins highly intellectual fact lores
by GabenRamen
Summary: Today we will be going through the history of each character no matter how much of a cunt they are. Rate t for tkillyourself.
1. chapter 1

Padins was a game made by hirez a company thay ironically couldnt bring hi resolution to people who play on business computers and macintosh toasters

The word paladins comes from the word paladinius this has nothing to do with this i just love tangents

One day hirez developer and used car salesman "chub chub" had a dream he dreamt of 10 beefy kids running around fighting for a cart

He then woke up "ill call it paladins" he said "because that makes sense"

Later hirez co-founder and toothpaste tube "yub yub" made a game on chub chubs vision and decided to create the greatest game known to man

Overwatch

And some kid made paladins but thats k

Paladins has a vast variety of characters such as the annoying ones and the very fucking annoying ones

Today we will be giving the lore of these characters and see which one makes you kill yourself


	2. cowboy satan

Androxus was one of those sad guys

One of those sad guys that looked like satan from star wars and got cursed with green eye disease you know what i mean

Anyway we will be going through some very intellectual definitely not made up facts on androxus

So _heeeeereeee we goooooooo_

Androxus was created by hirez employee and horn obsessed man "horny mcthorny" who was jealous of overwatch having a cowboy for an international hero and decided to make something to fight that

He realised he couldnt copy the idea as he had never been a cowboy so he tried his best to imagine what a cowboy looked like and came up with the idea of a man with cow horns shooting a pistol while being gay

He then named this beautiful man androxus and made him look like a rejected star wars character

This went on to being one of the greatest creations made by hirez as there was actual recoil involved and not some call of duty character again

Androxus is one of the few paladinians to come out of the closet and into the realm

He was gay for black reaper fanboy and embodiment of police brutality "lex eyebrows"

He was going to send lex a letter when the usual knock on the door happened

You know the usual knock knock and a gods there to curse you with green eye disease and rocky arm syndrome

Androxus was sad now because now he didnt look beautiful anymore so he wore a mask from the local star wars giftshop to hide his face from lex and went on to kill gods for making him look ugly


	3. sentient c4

Did you know a paladins version of the tragic event 9/11 happened in 13700000000 bc this involved a big explosion creating a new world order

This was also referred to as the big bang but thats not what were here to talk about

Later one day used car salesman and god of 360p graphics "bung bung" was inspired by this event and said to himself "what if we make this bing bang a paladins" later he pitched the idea to ceo "nub nub" who said it was stupid and demoted him to silver elite master

Later that night bung bung woke up and decided to code his own big bang despite nub nub telling him "fuck off"

And this was how a new paladinian was born "bomb kong" later renamed to "bomb king"

Bomb king was originally named several names such as "big bomb banggang" and "boomy"

Now lets go through some highly intellectual not made up lore

Originally there were kings in paladinland but a lot died because no one wants a monarchy anymore

The only one left was rejected transformer and terror of airports "bomb king"

Bomby boy was sad because he was lonely because everyone left his kingdom as they were into democracy and shit

He was also sad because he had to carry his entire family everywhere and threw them at people when they made fun of him or looked ugly

This was when the addiction started and eventually bomb became a terrorist the end


	4. man ape pranks

One day shaolin monk and failed chemotherapy patient "buck fuck" was walking down the street when he saw some spoons

The word spoon comes from the latin word spoonibus

This was confirmed by youtube sensation and god of foreheads "john doughnutss" who was referred to online by his alias "jackofffilms"

Hey guys fanfiction sensation and minecraft musical god gabenramen here

As you know i get no reviews therefore i am happy to bring you another chapter of 7 highly intellectual fact lores you have never seen before as requested by no one

Originally buck was supposed to be made as a pro swedish wrestler who threw meatballs at people and built ikea plywood chairs to distract his enemies

This concept was later made into a skin without the ikea meatball part or the swedish

Buck was originally made and thought of by american doughnut "hulkonmyhogan" and was then stolen and trademarked by hiresolution studios

Buck was originally raised by mountain gorillas and was also the bald half brother of harambe

He lived a life of jumping on tourists and eating trees you know the usual

One day buck jumped on androxus who was in search of the god of swedish cows they later became friends because both of them looked ugly

Another time buck was eating trees like any sane human being when suddenly a tree started walking

It was the god of trees and tree who chops men for youtube pranks grover

Buck wanted to eat him but soon came to the conclusion that he should not fuck with living plants when he ate an axe and realised they werent tasty

To this day the rare buck still roams the wild in search for more tourists to jump on and trees to eat his current location is unknown but he can be easily recognised if you hear this sound

"Lelelelleoleoeleleoleloleleleleoelllel"


	5. tree makes new youtube prank channel

Grover was first thought of by fortnite esports player and obsessed lumberjack "chung chung"

He was obsessed with chopping trees in triple a games like fortnite and minecraft and decided to create grover one of the hit sensations of paladins as well as give him a very tragic backstory

One day grover was walking in his forest when he realised his forest was under attack by minecraft steves

Also buck was eating trees but he didnt know how the fuck to deal with that

He didnt known how to get rid of minecraft steves as they were cancer and cancer never leaves

So he did what many people would do if they had cancer

Cut them out

Grover realised that if people were going to chop down trees he should chop down humans and minecraft steves

And thats what he did now hes a serial killer

He also managed to chase the rare buck away by throwing axes and yelling insults in tree-a-nese at him

He later realised that he was going to be arrested for treeson (ecksdee meme) so he decided to start a youtube pranking channel to cover up

This later inspired youngest youtube pranking sensation and 3 year old bomber willo who later made timeless youtube classics such as "bombing central town prank gone wrong" and "almost caught by police - story time"

Grover later became the new youtube sensation and was the third plant to receive the stone play button next to youtube sensations "bigtreesex" and "the grass growing channel"


	6. jailbait

Maeve has done many illegal things and gotten into jail as well as getting other people into jail (you know)

But very little people have heard the creation and backstory of this absolutely fucking annoying character so here is my amazing intellectual fact lore to fill in that gap

Maeve was originally thought of and created by tumblr user and addict of how to catch a predator "pattypattymycattycatty"

This was also the same man responsible for sfw furry and secret furry love child of the elric brothers "pip"

This was later confirmed by bung bung

Anyway maeve was originally drawn as a cat who could throw gordon ramsay knives after pattypattymycattycatty watched too many episodes of kitchen nightmares

One day pattycatty was browsing the internet and stumbled upon anime

She realised this would make more weebs play the game and that means more money

So she redid the character and now maeve looks underage

Now some very fact lorey fact lores

Maeve is the love child of a furry cat and a woman thats why she looks like that

She is best friends with adventure time ice queen reject and walking refrigerator "evie" and has gotten to greatly know missappear from spongebob and not-a-lesbian "skye"

She has also gotten into mutual relationships with lex eyebrows mainly because her stealing things are canceled out by people doing very inappropriate things to her

Maeve loves stealing baguettes and milk milk because she needs to grow taller and baguettes because why not

If you go into her room you would see 20 minifridges with milk and a sign hung on the wall saying "grow taller you fuck"

As you know maeve is also a half cat because of her father so if you want to counter her just give her catnip it works trust me

Also she likes japanese robots because her mum so she dresses up as a rip off of vocaloid but still manages to be pretty fucking annoying

Did you know that maeve carries thousands of knives and no one knows where she puts them this was confirmed by philosopher of kitchen utensils and sentient meatball gordon ramsay

Did you also know that maeves midnight ultimate is not because she may or may not be the daughter of nyx but because she uses her cat speed to replace the sun with the moon and then back with the sun after a few seconds

 _Amazing_

Anyway this was some highly intellectual fact lore of furry love child and girl who plays with yarn "maeve raeve" tune in next time for more hit sensations


	7. the human refrigerator

Evie was first thought of by sentient minifridge and devourer of ice cubes "frozone" and originally named her "eevie"

This was later stolen again my notorious beta game creator and ms paint reskins hiresolution studios who renamed her to "evie" to escape copyright claims

Evie was the best friend and secret santa of girl who dips fish in milk and gordon ramsay clone "maeve 'maevu raevu' raeve" (written as メイヴ レイヴ in japanese if any of you weebs wanted to write this on your japanese gcse)

The reason why evie has a wand bigger than her forehead is because she got addicted to anime like maeve and thought to herself "if i cant wield big swords ill wield big wands"

One day evie was walking into her and maeves room while maeve was doing cat things like scratching herself with her legs and tying up police officers with seven balls of yarn while cutting off their hair one by one to make them look like the rare elusive buck

Evie was going to eat some ice cream like any sane human being would but then she realised maeve only had milk in her minifridges so she was very sad

Maeve saw how sad she was and decided to stop shaving police officers and take a walk outside with evie to steal ice cream

Outside maeve stole ice cream for evie and didnt get caught because police enforcer and embodiment of police brutality lex eyebrows was running away from scary man and victim of edgy fashion sense androxus who was trying to come out to him while lex thought he was an obsessed cosplayer

Evie was happy to eat ice cream until she realised she turned it into shaved ice and made her sad again

Meanwhile in the distance the rare elusive buck could be heard munching on trees and jumping on frightened tourists whilst screaming the buck mating call

Epilogue:

Evie remembered when she went to magic school thinking she was going to become the next ice sculpting youtube sensation until she accidentally caused the third ice age and forgot to return a book on ice cubes and refrigerators to the library

Legend says she still has it to this day and can be seen in the character selection

They say she always sits on her wand so she can get the hell out if the librarian finds her again


	8. handsome shaved meatball jalapeno

One day hirez employee and minecraft csgo esports god "don juan deag" was playing with some spoons and as you know spoons stand for "super polite officers observing new spaces" but thats for another story

Don juan deag was sleeping at his desk when suddenly he had a dream

He dreamt of a big big hunk hunk throwing scented candles and using a lighter to scare away his enemies

This concept was then turned into the muscular meatball and god of symmetrical faces "big lad fernando jalapeno"

Fernando was once a knight and still is because he refuses to retire despite only serving for 7 hours and 25 milliseconds

He is friends with lex eyebrows and is jealous of androxus for looking beautiful

Fernando has a wide variety of hobbies such as seeing how many roses he can shove in his mouth and seeing how many ladies want to see him shove roses in his mouth

One time he tried to impress arabian dancer and see through mirror "ying" but ying was really creeped out especially when a man who looks like one of those guys from forbes magazine tries to eat 47 roses at once and swallow

Big lad fernando went on many adventures like burning shit and cooking spicy meatballs

One time he set a forest on fire while youtube pranking sensation and literal walking tree grover was going to cut up some lumberjacks for his latest hit prank video and almost got axed a question until the wild buck jumped on the pranking plant youtube sensation and scared him away

This inspired fernando and now he too jumps on people but this time break their backs because of how spicy he is


	9. lex eyebrows

One day hirez janitor and co founder of tetris esports "jung jung" was cleaning some spoons

He was then inspired to make a character with no skill whatsoever because why not

Later that day he had a game of counter strike and realised that the xm shotgun was fucking annoying as shit

He then said to ceo "nub nub" "ecksdee meme lets give a champy wampy 2 xms and make him gay like his weapons"

"Shit dude that sounds fucking fantasmispasticenthusamablastic"

"Mate it was a joke"

"Fuckoff and go clean a spoon you cabbage man"

This was how lex was born

Lex eyebrows legendary god of social justice warrioring and that fuckwad who uses the xm in gold nova games loved having slow walks on the beach with former handsome man and cowhead androxus until he got green eye disease and lex thought he was into edgy cosplays which scared him and made him run away

He also thought androxus wanked too much and now had a rock for an arm but that seemed pretty normal to him

Lex was also one of those kids who was too enthusiastic in law school and recited the whole constitution if you drank water the wrong way or ate a sandwich from the bread corners

He was also that kid at the shooting range who took 2 m4s and pretended he was global elite master guardian 4 only to shoot a tree behind him and become a human fidget spinner

Speaking of fidget spinners did you know lex was a fanboy of man who has big shoes and sad cosplayer of the grim reaper "reaper mccreeper" from triple a fps mmorpg online pong remake "overwatch"

This was also why he was gay for androxus but did not like the edgy fashion sense and the green eye disease because he thought they made him look like a failed darth vader from star wars lego

Lex was also one of those special people who makes minecraft youtube sensational lets plays and pretends to be admin on big lad servers like "mineplex" and "18bigcraftsex" even though he couldnt get out of spawn and still died in safe zones

He is also mutual friends with half furry girl and loli who licks her arms "maeve raeve" because of how many times she tried to steal baguettes from angry french people and going into pharmacies only to realise they have no miracle pill to grow by 10 cm in 4 seconds

Lex didnt mind maeve much because he didnt like eating baguettes but was very angry when maeve commented "ecksdee urmum" on his minecraft le epic unfunny moments stream and proceeded to play musical hit sensation and competitor of bohemian rhapsody "mc mental at his best lyrics" during his stream which was why now in every paladins match and case involving a man stealing peoples shoes all he could think of was "bidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidi move it all bidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidibidi"


	10. migrating big greasy russian man

One day hirez employee and former csar of the russian fruit market "sewka bleeyat" wanted diversity in paladins as all they had back then were humans and trees which was pretty diverse for the time actually

He then went up to "yung yung" programmer of paladins notifications and man who added 3 pixels to the gold icon and asked him to help program a russian hit sensation who could run 5 miles without feeling leg cramps and looked like the child of rasputin

This idea was later converted into big greasy russian man and man with bigger shoes that reaper mccreeper "viktor igor vladinski dmiitri"

Before viktor became an official citizen of paladinland after migrating and running across 24 countries and a mans backyard

Viktor was part of a csgo pro esports team known as the "rushing russians" whose motto was "cyka the blyat and you get a splyat" even though the team only had 2 russians

The team consisted of big russian female man "tyra" who was entry fragger but couldnt get past 3 kills and said people were using footstephacks when they got more than 4 headshots in 13 rounds

Next member was infinite warfare god and girl who thinks shes in faze "kinessa" who assumed the role of scouter because she said the awp was "not allowing her to use her exo suit ability"

Man owl and guy who put his camouflage make up wrong "strix" was also a sniper but kept forgetting this was csgo and not phantom forces: war of the robloxmans and was forced to learn that even if you shoot with an awp at point blank range the bullet will still miss by 5 meters

Lastly was woman who put a rock in her gun and addict to drones "vivian" who wanted to look more like that ryuko girl from kill la kill i think and thought that armor was extra health in csgo and sprayed the ak47 in a circle because she said "the bullets will converge into one point"

Anyway after viktor moved to paladinland and got a visa he stopped his csgo esports and shit and did csgo case openings and won 1000 dollars worth of p250 sand dunes

He also became friends with big eyebrow man lex and met cow sheriff and scary man androxus who blew him away when he was shown what actual recoil looked like

Anyway his friends are here so hes pretty comfortable and shit but he doesnt like it when he had to wake up to angry french people screaming about their baguettes being stolen by a loli girl who eats fish for cereal


	11. chinese kkk god

"Hey weebo"

"Hey deebo"

"Whatre you doing"

"Nothing"

This was the average conversation at hirez studios but more importantly pay attention to the man called weebo his full name was weeabus animeus obsessiusiusius and wanted to make paladins character naruto run

The first victim of this was maeve

Anyway weeby here thought he would make a new japanese sensation paladin man but forgot how katana people looked like and instead made an angry looking chinese man from 200 bc

He was going to name this beautiful creation something japanese like xxx小明xxx but decided to shorten it to "zhin" (however the fuck he managed that) after looking at countless textbooks and coming to the conclusion chinese names were never more than 6 letters long or easy to read

Zhin was said to be stripped of his noble heritage and shit and founded the chinese ku klux klan or something according to paladins coffee maker and human cardboard box "ching chong chum"

But what they didnt tell you is that zhin once aspired to become a ballet dancing sensation and had hobbies like mugging people with wooden sticks

Edgelord himself was also man who become a fidget spinner due to his self taught ballet lessons and looked like a girl not because he was chinese but because he forgot his hair existed

He also doesnt like music like mans not hot simply because hes literally on fire everywhere like fernando but not spicy or a meatball

Zhin was once a friend of ching chong chunk and man with a big nose and ugly face sha lin but soon unfriended him when sha lin tweeted out that zhins face looked like one of those angry chinese fruitsellers who sold mangoes for a living and could barely make 3 cents a month

Zhin is also somehow considered a flank despite not qualifying for any category as a flank except being an above average cunt and watching too much sword art online thinking he can settle gun fights with swords

He currently has made a very accurate guide on how to become a chinese first you must eat 7 to 8 pots of rice every day while using chopsticks and holding at a 76.828485 degree angle and remembering to scream very appropriate phrases like "shoe the" and "sex sex" trust me i am a level 7 chinese i know what im doing


	12. big weed man who makes love with snakes

Originally big weed man and guy who has sex with snakes "mal dankba" was originally going to be a black man like lex eyebrows and would throw snakes at people to scare them away whilst stealing peoples shoes to make it difficult for them to walk

This was later changed when big man "bigsmokemyweeds" smoked too many weeds in his backyard and went to hirez to suggest his crazy vision of a man who had a weed for a head and used a snake to shoot poison at people while somehow still qualified to do kidney surgery he then proceeded to name this character "mcweedhead" and said to hirez employee "dong dong" "ill have a number weed large and a number large with extra weed" before collapsing and being realised that he smoke 5 barrels of garden weeds and grass in the span of 7 minutes

Dong dong was impressed by this mans way with words and proceeded to redesign and create the character who has an actual fucking weed for a head "mal dankba"

Mal damba was one of those guys who studied modern science but still believed in bloodletting meaning if you had a cough or sneezed twice in 4 seconds your left arm had to go

He was originally referred to by his patients as "your **high** ness" because of obvious reasons and chased a few patients away as they did not find it comfortable for a man to conduct surgery while smoking grass from the local nature reserve

He owns a pet snake who i think does bondage with him and sometimes likes to use it for jumprope but thats only on days when he accidentally smokes too much grass and kills a man by putting a bong in his small intestine

Mal danky also has green eye disease because a god cursed him after finding out he watches snake hentai and started making out with a piece of rope and made him a living snake man weedhead which to be honest mate wasnt really a curse it just made him become an even bigger weeb for snakes

The god thought now with ugly green eye disease mal dankba wont have any friends

Until he met androxus and the god thought "well shit"

Now mal danky is a certified paladinian doctor (i dont know how considering his background) and loves to use his snake to spit on people for youtube pranks and instagram comedy


	13. chinese korean man who steals shoes

Big ching chong chunk and man who has underwent 73 different types of korean plastic surgeries "sha lin" was once friends with ballet dancing chinese "zhin" until he tweeted out that zhin looked like a poor fruitseller

Little is known about this handsome looking bastard mainly because he was an actual bastard and no one gives a shit mate

But i am here to deliver your daily dose of intellectual lore facts that you never asked for (youre welcome by the way)

Big chink sha lin was also created by hirez employee and man who thinks hes in a shounen "weeby weebo"

After creating zhin he thought he would create a rivalling character similar to zhins facial species features

If zhin was a sad fruitselling chinese that had 200 bc fashion sense then what was the opposite of that

Yes an annoying handsome chinese fuckwad thats correct

Sha lin was given the name sha lin because it sounds chinese enough and was not more than 6 letters

He is a very strange man because his name sounds chinese yet he looks like your average korean actor who underwent 73 facial surgeries and 25 plastic implants and also likes arabian music while speaking in the rare american language of english

He uses a bow because he thought guns were too mainstream and fucking expensive

"Why buy a big metal block when i can make a weapon out of 3 sticks and 3 strings" said sha lin after he watched too much of lexs le epic unfunny minecraft streams

Sha lin is also attracted to girl who puts raw fish in sandwiches "maeve" according to some people but maeve thinks hes a weirdo and has a big nose so she doesnt like him and thinks that his face needs less plastic and more surgery

Sha lin is also one of those guys who has a checklist of girls he wants to date in case one of them finds him ugly or was bothered by his big nose and shitty smile

Another girl he wanted was girl who is best friends with a bird and probably wants to be a bird "cassie" who also likes him mainly because he can shoot arrows and become the invisible man

Speaking of invisible sha lin was one of those le funny pranking sensations that made a youtube channel with shitty dubstep intros and liked to go invisible and push people on the street or steal their shoes and call it a "social experiment" when it was actually just "being an above average cunt" which made lex very annoyed especially when he had to stop his minecraft lets play stream just to detain a man who steals fucking shoes for a video


	14. atheist furry

As you know "pattypattymycattycatty" created girl whose hobby is to start street fights and steal peoples baguettes "maeve" but before this masterpiece of a flying french fry was made she created furry atheist and fox who thinks earth is a square "pip"

Many people say that pip was one of the greatest flanks ever created until they realised it was a healer and got comments like "heal me you fucking doorknob"

Good job hirez

The idea for pip was conceived when pattycatty was browsing quality content such as furry comics and "what if all characters in harry potter became a walking animal"

This later became the foundation for the character we all know and die to today

She started sketching and colouring in her idea for nub nub to be impressed only to realise she just made a furry version of the elric brothers who grew too much hair

But this was hirez and despite looking like the sequel to fantastic mr fox written by jk rowl dahl they still thought it was a gift from god and made it into a character

Lads also thought that his shoes were too big and decided to make him an astronaut so that his big shoes wouldnt slow him down

Now you might be thinking what were these definitely intelligent men going to write for a backstory

Well fuck all was what they wrote but many interviews with hirez employee and man who believes hes a toolbox "david mcwankee" has confirmed some new intel which are definitely true and not made up shut up

He has said that pip was one of those overenthusiastic shits at school who was obsessed with science meaning if you gave the animal a toothpick hed probably demonstrate newtons third law with it instead of trying to remove the fucking fruit bits in his mouth

Pips greatest achievements included making fire drinkable and turning men into chickens you know the usual stuff

Pip has mad hobbies like recording himself eating fruits and posting them online under titles like "i eat an apple for 30 minutes" and staying in his home all day going on google images to admire portraits of spicy chicken wings and almost eating the screen

Pip was friends with girl who didnt know how mirrors work and made too many clones of herself for lack of friends "ying" and enjoyed long walks in the park with her until being interrupted by sentient spicy meatball "big lad fernando" when he attempts to shove another 58 roses into his mouth while trying to look like one of those blokes from toothpaste commercials

Big manimal pip was also the guy at your school who breaks shit in the lab thinking their gonna cause a bombing by throwing salt solution onto the floor and big conical flasks

Funnily enough that shit actually became a dream come true thats why hes able to heal people but has to spend 6000 earth dollars a week to buy all those conical flasks and gets pissed when theyre wasted especially when spastic bigshits just jump out of the splash radius even though theyre arms about to come off


	15. p aladdin

One day man who thought he was a disney princess and thought our eyes shot tiny lasers to allow us to see "manny mcgangbang" was watching the hit sensation made by mickey mouse men "aladdin" when suddenly he thought "what if aladdin was a paladdin"

He then started screaming through the hallways and running like a man who needs to take a big shit in order to find and get the attention of programming sensation and guy who does the reskins with ms paint fill tool "bung bung" and told him the greatest idea of making an arabian paladanian

Bung bung was excited because they were running out of ideas as usual and made the greatest character that does too much fucking damage for a healer "ying"

This dissappointed mcgangbang because he was originally thinking was a beefcake mucho arabian big boy who rubs his genie lamp to shoot out genies at people whilst being an absolute prick this idea was then converted to sha lin without the shooting lamp and with more focus on being a prick

Ying was the greatest character introduced to paladins simply because fans now could fap to something

Ying also didnt had many friends probably because she didnt know how mirrors work and also made a lot of clones to have tea parties and play tennis only to realise they wont move

Ying has few friends which include furry animal and fox who has big shoes "pip" which made her question her life choices and giant meatball man who eats gardens for a living "fernando jalapeno" who she really isnt friends with she just wants to think that

She has also been with sha lin who has tried to impress her with his vast knowledge of arabian culture and by that its just him carrying about a big boombox playing some arabian music while shooting shitloads of rubber arrows and tourists only to get smacked in the nose by a purse

She also thinks hes kind of a prick so theres that

One time she heard that sha lin tried to seduce girl who chases mice and eats laser pointers "maeve" by telling her some shitty pickup line like "your knives are so sharp that you should be the woman in my kitchen" or some crap like that and got kicked in the nose because it was too big and was hung on a laundry pole without pants

Ying was also that kid who got extremely paranoid during health checkups especially after an injection and thinking she only had 4 days to live before all the blood bled out only to realise shes a healer and can heal herself

She likes to pretend she is a level 20 japanese and tries to prove it by doing that weeb thing where you make a v with your fingers because she watched too much anime and does it too much which pissed off maeve because she was being too much of a weeb

This was also probably why she did not have many friends

Anyway this later led to an epic le funny ecksdee meme prank done by maeve and filmed by evie where maeve steals her mirror and returned it the next day

The first part was titled "stealing peoples belongings epic funny prank gone wrong gone right gone sexual" and the second video was titled "this video will make you cry (thief donates back to people) not clickbait story time" but they werent that successful mainly because evie kept flying around in bloody circles which made it very hard to watch especially when she was 20 feet in the air and forgot to zoom in with the camera


	16. the most annoying rabbit ever made

Guess what spastics its another gabenramen fanfiction brought to you by the fanfiction god himself gabennius ramennius isacuntius

As you know i get tons of reviews because i am gabenramen and gabenramens are obviously popular obviously

So as requested by no once again i have come to bring you quality facts _and_ lores for those of you who need depression

Now lets get rooooiiiiiiigggggghhhhhhhtttttt into the neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwssssssss

As you know the very intelligent non-spastic and defintiely-passed-their-gcses people at hirez have introduced another cunt to the unwanted love child of league of legos and overwankedtoohard "paladins"

This all started when hirez employee "fung fung" was reading reddit like the average mental person and saw that many people liked to flank as fernando because it was funny to see a giant meatball bloke in metal roasting people and cooking spicy meatballs as he moved

He did not like this because he was one of thise shits who respected the integrity of a game and who recite to you the entire terms and services if you pirates minecraft

He then had a _fantastic_ idea "why not make a flank that shoots fire" he thought "and spits on people" he added because he was special

And this was how moji was born isnt that great

Moji is the half sister of "judy hops" a famous movie character from animal crossing

Many people have misconceptions about this fact and commonly think thay moji is actually related to monkey man "mojojojo" and her full name is actually "mojijiji"

This was later clarified and confirmed to be untrue by fung fung and his human brain cell "cheeky breeky"

She likes to ride on big dragon turtle things which have two heads and one of them is special

Little did you know mojis name was derived from the word "emoji" (who knew)

This was because hirez couldnt think of a name due to lack of creativity and possibly a right brain and were one of those special snowflakes who were excited for animojis (why apple) and decided to use the last four letters therefore giving rise to "moji" the most creative name ever since the formation of our planet earth-chan

Moji likes to get her big dragon mutation thing and spit on people and then post instagram videos of it and get millions of views while being unfunny you know the usual shit

When moji says noji and gets angry wangry she turns people into biscuits and eats them but dont worry its just a prank bro

Now for some fun facts on this absolute spastic

When hirez employee "horny mcthorny" saw the project on creating a bunny riding a dog dragon turtle threesome lovechild he was in awe and inspired to add a move to make it even more of a cunt and this was how moji got her reversal ability but this time turned people into doggy biscuits which is totally not disturbing in any way

Did you know that because of said big dog dragon turtle hybrid threesome lovechild moji scares away neko girl who eats raw fish for 6 meals a day "maeve" and gets frightened because she finally knows what those mice she eats feel like when being chased by a big scary animal lovechild

Additionally as evident in the name moji is obviously no doubt one of those annoying people on whatsapp that use emojis unironically when chatting this was how the ob65 trailer came about as moji kept sending short gifs to skye whilst ending off the message with a crying laughing emoji for 3 weeks straight which pissed her off super bad which is why she stole the crystal from moji but was then turned into a biscuit because it was a big noji from moji

Lastly moji is also the unwanted lovechild of furry man pip and this was where she got her flanking genes

 _Incredible_

Thank you for reading this i have depression good bye


	17. toblerones half brother

**Based on a true mythology:**

Many people know that odin has kids that like to fuck around and smack each other with hammers and turn themselves into goats for a funny god moment for their youtube pranking channel but little did you know that apart from thor odinson and loki adoptedodinson was their third brother and half brother of swedish warlord "toblerone" "barik plywoodchairik"

Barik was cast down onto earth from asburg because he built ikea plywood chairs for the gods and they kept breaking and it wasnt very fun when the almighty warlord god odin sat down to give a speech on how asgard is running out of soap and had to stop because he broke the chair five words in

Barik was sad because now he couldnt build big ikea plywood chairs for big gods and had to build small ones for little shits he called humans but odin said if he makes friends on earth he can come back like how thor did

This was the start of bariks adventure so he can go back home and become the god of carpenters and plywood trees truly a strong ambition any sane man on this planet would want

So he started out by building ikea plywood chairs for people who had to sit down like hikers even though they had only walked 4 feet

He once made nice tables that can be seen all across the realm

For example on magistrates anchovies you can see many tables and big wooden poles that support taller tables

He made those good job barik

He also likes to make little robots that spit on people and give them 12th degree burns this was also why he was kicked out of asburgard because it was apparently not a good thing if your mini robot spitter shot the prince

Barik later became a successful businessman which is why we have ikea

He also hired fernando to cook spicy meatballs that were in swedish because he liked sweden and he was a big fan of youtube god "felix aardvark wolf shellburg (i think thats his name)"

Now you may be wondering "whatdhjfnfkxosbfnwbcbkaoc" and thats a great question toblerone is currently also making mini robots that spit on people current both barik plywoodchairik and toblerone are currently competing on whose social experiment pranking channel gets more views with them shooting strangers at the fishmarket

Not only that but barik is also competitively competing to see if his ikea plywood chairs would sell more than toblerones toblerones

These battles are currently still on going and is in the favour of toblerone

But aside from being a dick and making chairs that break barik has sick hobbies like playing minecraft and praying to the god of steves and swedish squares "markusius 'notchinessius' perrsoniusiusiusius" he later converted his religion and is now currently praying to the god of swedish beards and bad updates "jeb_" (note that the underscore is actually an ancient swedish hieroglyphic that has been used since the dawn of swedish fishmongers and shoemakers this was to signify he would spark the creation of beautiful things in this case it was minecraft musical song parodies)

Now you might be thinking does barik have any friends

Well theres fernando

And i think drogoz likes his shoes of something

Thats probably about it


	18. man hunk

Many people say terminus is big and scary and theyre right

But many people dont know that terminus was actually based off handsome squidward and watched loads of anime this is why he looks like one of those guys from fashion magazines and carry oversized weapons

Terminus was originally a man who wanted to make himself more beautiful than the god of all beauty himself handsome squidward but this was a problem because not many people in paladinland knew how to do handsome surgery

One day he went to weedsmoker and man who was obsessed with snake bdsm "mal weedba" and in hope to get some body surgery

This ended up quite well in the sense that he almost died and lost his heart because weed damba thought he wanted a heart transplant as he was smoking too much grass again from the local nature reserve and was saying jaden smith quotes like "if the heart beats, what beats the heart" before collapsing onto the floor and dreaming about more snake bdsm as usual

This was very bad for terminus because now he was going to die and but more importantly he wasnt beautiful enough

This was all going to shit until woman who likes balls "seris" came in to see what was going on

Seris didnt know how to do heart surgery but decided to use the flawless method that solved all her problems like fixing the washing machine which was to shove a ball into broken things

So she shoved her ball into terminus because she thouht t would work and also really didnt know what the fuck she was supposed to do anyway

Apparently this was a success and now terminus could still carry on smashing peoples heads in while still looking beautiful

This was also a big plus because now he can flex this big ball in the hole where his hearts supposed to be and wont be made fun off by other people who thought his face looked gay

He was however very sad as now he was suffering from purple eye sickness which was not to be confused with green eye disease

Speaking on green eye disease smaller scary man "androxus" became friends with bigger scary man terminus and tried not to show his gay side

Together they vowed to overthrow handsome squiward in order to be the most handsome lads in the whole of paladinland while still bashing peoples heads in

Now aside from this terminus does have hobbies like every other character for example he loves playing golf but all the golf clubs are his hammer and the balls a bowling ball from some bowling alley he stole from

He would use this own ball but he would probably die and he was not prepared to give up his life just to become the next little putter esports world champion

Other hobbies included mass murder and town terrorism but this was pretty usual so there isnt much to say about it


	19. lizard who caused paladins 9 11

People love calling drogoz a lizard mainly because they like to see him cry

But the truth is drogoz is actually the better half brother of leafyishere and has an actual brain

Drogoz was created because hirez thought that the game had too much skill and needed a flying lizardman who likes to think hes a dragon go around places like castles and fishmarkets and carrying out world war 2 bombings on passersby

Drogoz was originally once a sad lizard because of his birth defect that didnt give him wings

His brother leafywashere also had this birth defect but later became a youtube musical bullying sensation and their family just didnt want to have any connections with him anymore

Sad drogoz was very down in the dongers because he couldnt fly and spit on people from 100 ft in the air

But that was until when he met the swedish god of felixes and diy furniture "barik diyplywoodchairik" who made him ikea wings (this is the actual lore by the way)

Drogoz was very happy because now he can fly and carry outside aerial terrorist attacks and become the first flying pranking youtube sensation ever born

His family was very proud of him (actually they just want to move to a different continent and disown him because of this but dont tell him this)

Drogoz is also one of those sad junk collectors because he read too many fairy tales that say dragons keep shitloads of gold when in actual fact their real occupation was to be highly trained stock market experts or very tsundere maids

Drogoz went around the country to collect weird shit like big tables and thrown out flower shop window panes and sometimes collected large sums of money like 27 cents and half a zimbabwean dollar

Did you know that drogoz accidentally conducted a similar event to the notorious 9/11 terrorist attack this involved him using his ultimate and missing his target and charging straight into the twin castles instead this event was later known as paladine/11

Other things to note about drogoz is that his hobby is bothering people and watching too many mecha anime which is why he cosplayed as a robot dragon once because he thought he could become a cool kid that way

Hes also one of those very cool guys that dont tip waitresses and instead ask them to tip him

He is also currently in the longest game of "stealing from stealers" with loli girl who rubs catnip on her face "maeve"

One time he stole maeves fish that she "bought" from the local fishmarket in fishmarket and maeve stole his shoes because he didnt had any baguettes so drogoz stole her knives but she stole them back them drogoz stole her minifridge and she stole his half a zimbabwean dollar and so on

This has been going on for 6 months and its very concerning because now theyre just leaving notes on each others house saying either "i stole the fourth flower from your vase" or "i stole the second pebble from the right of your house"


	20. call of duty female

Vivian is actually one of the many subspecies of viktor the man who makes csgo case openings only to win a nova sand dune and played call of duty too much and starts running around like an absoluute blockhead

Vivian was conceived by the same man who made viktor who was also a total blockhead and was the rightful inventor of call of duty esports

Essentially he started out by using his 2 room flat which included a kitchen a toilet and his room and invited 9 friends that he paid to come to his house and gamble with call of duty 5 would sit in his room or the toilet and the other 5 would sit on the kitchen counter and play competitive call of duty and the winners would win a bowl a cereal and 3 bottles of ketchup because that was his entire fridge stock

But this is going off topic the main reason is because through this he played too much call of duty and was inspired to create the 2 camping bastards we know today and 3 spastic soldiers we all want to 619 today

Vivian was made last because she was inspired around the birth of black ops 3 after he saw a youtube video on how you can shove your hand up a guns ass and make it spit on people

This was the inspiration for him but instead of copying directly he did something smart for once and changed the "shove your hand up a guns arse part" to "put a fucking rock as the magazine" ingenious as always from hirez employees

As said before vivian is the subspecies of viktors and her scientific name is actually "viktoria putarockinhergunnia fuckingannoyingus"

She enjoys using drones mainly to spy at people in toilets having a big wank or taking big shits

These drones also create a magical shield which is why theres a "fuckingannoyingus" in her scientific name

Vivian watches anime and got reaaaaalllly addicted to kill la kill and decided to cosplay as girl with huge scissors ryuko and kept that cosplay ever since because she wants to at least feel japanese

It is very rare to see wild vivians move more than 3 feet so if you see one do that youre either really lucky or its someone with a brain playing

Now as all you hardcore level 12 paladins fans know the vivian trailer showed man ape buck and rush b tyra rushing her room in order to defuse the viktor

However as you can tell vivian outplayed them with the classic 800000 iq plays by flanking all the way out to tunnels and through mid only to bamboozle the man apes

You might be asking what sparked this conflict

Well it started when man ape himself was going to eat one of vivians rocks because trees were not tasty as they used to be vivian was very angry as she did not have any more rocks to shove up her guns arse and threathened that she would kill viktor and put him inside a chest so that she could do a csgo case opening on him

Buck thought this was funny until she actually did it which pissed tyra off as now their great supreme call of duty god and csgo esports leader has died and had mixed feelings whether she should allow viktors coffin to be a chest in memory of his case openings

She then decided that she would not accept this and would instead bury him in a real gamma 2 case like how any csgo case opening youtuber should be properly buried and dragged the wild man ape along

Of course this didnt end well when vivian pulled a csgo snax flank on their csno stewie2k rush

Anyway some quality backstory is that vivian was part of the rushing russian csgo esports team led by call of duty man himself viktor

She was okay with him until he said her ak spray was absolute yakshite which to be fair was just her moving the crosshair in bloody circles

This and buck eating her rocks was why she killed viktor plus she was also very angry when she kept doing 4000 dollar csgo case openings only to open 3 sand dashed pp bizons and an awp safari mesh


	21. paladins: advanced warfare

"Pewii prie cpir is pt w"

"Fwoosh fwosoheid woucpw"

"Tshshdidisnfbowlapwi"

This was the average thought process of an advanced warfare player but it was also what goes on in the head of the fuckwad who stands back at spawn and still manages to get a 30 killstreak just by looking ay people and running away "cancercell"

I mean "kinessa"

Kinessa was made by a bloke who thought advance warfare was a good game

He was special but thats all hirez hires anyway

So he decided to propose the advance warfare god herself to the ceo of hirez "chintala bung bung chala bung" or "bung bung" if youre chinese

Hirez thought "this was the greatest idea weve ever had" which was what they also said to the creation of absolutely spastic characters which is basically every character

You might be thinking kinessas not that bad well fuck you its not fun when youre actually playing with skill and a motherucker gets forty times your streak and kills just but fucking around at the back of the map

Hirez thought it was a great idea to give her teleporting abilities because yes we need that shit inthis fucking game very well done as always hirez

During development they were contemplating if they should make her a viktor or a strix but couldnt decide so they just smashed two guns together and now its annoying

Now for some backstory as you already heard shes part of that russian gangbang that cant play csgo for nuts well the explanations actually her and probably every other call of duty character in that team because she keeps jumping around in dust2 matches and asking in voicechat "WHERES MY EXOSUIT" and proceed to fall of maps like vertigo even though no sane man on this planet-chan actually plays vertigo

She is still connected with her callof duty crew just that no one really wants to talk to her mainly because they realise how fucking annoying she can get and viktor just keeps doing nova sand dune unboxings

Now shes just running around shooting ranges and trying to shoot targets while jumping even though the guy owning told her countless to "SIT THE FUCK DOWN YOU SPAZMONKEY"


	22. the not marvel warmachine

"Hey wumwum"

"Hey yumyum"

"Whatre doing"

"Something"

"Something useful?"

"Nope"

This was another conversation at hirez

Hows it going bros my name a gaaaaaaaaaaaabenramen and ya mums got some new shit for you after a one month hiatus (insert sad fuck all fanfiction writer story here ecksdee text emojis)

Its gonna be chinese new year faggots and you know what that means its time for me to make fun of paladins again hoorah

Ever since i saw the new chinese new year skins like a fucking month ago it intrigued me because i definitely have waited anxiously for 3 months to fucking play as a chinese woman with a big ball or the beefy version of mulan

Speaking of beefy mulans thats exactly our topic for today youre welcome sorry ecksdee meme

Beefy mulan or also known by her formal longwinded name "ash" was one of the paladinians who lived in this shithole of a realm

Ash is one of the okay characters which means shes actually better than most people in terms of being less of a cunt especially since she has more important things to do like being the ultimate linkin park fan and going all edgy

The reason why ash has big weapons like her oversized portable cannon from world war 2 is not because of anime you silly goose billies but because she needs to get beefier especially after she listened to "be a man" and now actually looks like a man

She likes to play jokes on people no not pranks jokes theres a difference

Pranks are when people are mortally wounded or die of embarassing deaths while jokes are when people are mortally wounded and di- oh wait

Anyway she likes to use that big world war 2 cannon and send people flying away and making then think theyre birds

This was also her hobby

Other hobbies include smashing walls and breaking into people homes and then running away as a prank it was quite funny actually unless youre the sad gub gub living there

Shes also the progenitor of red black hair styles and was copied by vivian who just inverted the colours like the average motherfucker pretty neat to be honest

Ummm...

Theres really not much i can say about her shes pretty quiet and edgy thats all

Well actually there was this one time she wanted to become the next apollo mission and tried to turn herself into a rocket with her cannon

Didnt really go well though

There was also this other time where she wanted to make "starting street fights" her hobby but realise the girl who runs 10 miles in an hour and dresses up as a cat kept stealing her targets and started feeling really sad because now she couldnt do real life wwe with random people on the street

This was also how she became edgy


	23. not khan academy

KhanAcademy is one of the smartest channels on youube to teach people on mathematics and simplify them so even your dog can become stephen hawking

Sadly this khan is not an academy nor a proper khan

Greetings fellow fanfictioneers it is i gabenramen and i returned because i heatd hirez developed a brain

I thought i was going to see new gamemodes but it was actually negative one of a gamemode and a new beeflord (fuck why we have terminus we dont need another weight lifter)

Khan is the most creative name i could have ever thought off

According to our lords and saviours themselves in hirez they created the best storytelling backstory of how he held a flagpole and stood there for a day and was elected as housekeeper (you cant make this shit up)

Sadly i have not experienced the joy of playing khan but through various experiences and when by various i mean just two and a quarter of a match in addition to looking at his face all the time when checking maeve i have concluded he is not annoying

No

He is the definition of **fucking annoying**

Yes everyday i come to paladins to excitedly get grabbed by a weight lifter who could probably bench press a cow and a half and send me off from brightmarsh to foremans rise

But enough of rant lets talk about pant (i mean backstory)

Obviously it is obviously obvious that khan was elected housekeeper for showing that man was born to lift flagpoles but little did you know he was a bodybuilder before becoming the guardian of the aristocratic house of acorn

But he was no average muscle man because instead of lifting weights he carried tourists around the city and played shot put with trash bags and fling them all the way to ascensions peak when his wife asks him to "take out the trash"

Now you might be asking "oi mate u fuckin twat wha are dem blokes 'obbies mait" and i already answered that hes a weight lifter what the fuck did you expect me to say he bakes cakes for the poor or self learns ballet in his pass time what the fuck you on about mate

Now anyway why did such a beefy man become a gatekeeper

Well one he needed a job because apparently its illegal to steal the job of tourist chariots or "coaches" as for all you weeaboos might call it in paladinland

And second he needed to stop lifting houses when some womans trying to make lunch

So he decided to lift a flagpole to prove his worthiness to the house of aircon

The house of acolite was very impressed because theyve never seen a commoner before

Nor someone lifting a flagpole for a day straight (this man has nothing better to do honestly)

But it was pretty neat so they decided to make him the housekeeper guardian gatekeeper of the house of arco-pizzicato and promoted to super legendary ultra sergeant lieutenant global nova elite which came with priveleges such as being able to walk around a mansion

Also everyone theres fucking terrified of him especially when its a man who could probably throw over mount everest and has a metal skull on his shoulder

Anyway khans happy and watches khanacademy videos because now he needs to have an iq of at least 400 according to aristocrat standards

And he lived happily ever after

But wait

Did you realise something

He didnt lift a **flagpole**

He lifted a **banner**

Get ecksdeed xdddddddddddddddddddddddd


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